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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Biggest Event of the Past Two Months

I bought a house last month, so JD and I moved two weeks ago from the bachelor pad to the bachelor palace. So far, so good. But this post is about the biggest event in the past two months, and joining the ranks of the foolish homeowners is not it. Instead, said event occured this past Sunday when JD and I tried to mount our third roommate's flat-screen on the wall (he was conveniently out of town). The bach palace came equipped with a fancy mount in the living room, so it seemed pretty elementary for two college grads to mount his TV onto it. This sadly was not the case. First off, the TV weighed about a million pounds and had this crazy steel stand that was built into the base which we quickly dismantled and discarded. After scanning the back of the TV, I realized that the mounting holes were about 18 inches apart from each other, so I would need to buy another mount which I would then mount on the mount that was currently mounted on the wall. (that sentence was a thing of beauty). Anyway, the screws that came with the mount where not of the correct size in which to affix it to the existing mount. So JD and I got in the car and headed to ACE Hardware and bought four screws. Problem One solved. We then tried to attach the new mount to the back of the TV, but were unable to as the screws did not seem to have anything to screw into when we put them into the TV. After about an hour of aimlessly playing around with screwdrivers and making no progress (JD: "Todd for the 5th time, are you sure these are the same holes that you unscrewed these from???"), my brilliant roommate realized that the 150lb steel base piece that we removed actually had to be put back on in order to give the screws something to grip into. What a terrible design! Anyway, we put the damn base back on and tried again. Problem two solved. Which then led us to problem three, which is the screws were not long enough to go through the mount and still reach far enough into the TV to reach the metal base. So back to ACE Hardware for some longer screws! Sure enough, they didn't have screws long enough... But a smart employee came up with the idea of just giving us a long piece of threaded metal (think a screw but with no head), some nuts, and some glue. Problem three solved! At this point we had spent all day on the darn thing and it had reached 5 o'clock which meant it was drinking time (this is the third image that shows up when you search for drinking time, not sure how it is relevant but it is awesome at the same time; hence the inclusion), so we have yet to make any progress from here. But I am confident that we will be able to fix it this weekend. But anyway, back to the point of the post-

WHILE in ACE hardware for the 2nd time of the day, when I was feeling about as despondent and dejected in my skills as a human being as I've been in awhile, I noticed the hot sauce equivalent of the Holy Grail-

A bottle of Chet's Slap my Ass and Call Me Sally sitting in the grill section! (note, don't search for that in google images while at the office.... NSFW)

WTF, I've read about this sauce for years up in the hot sauce blog o'sphere, and have never once seen it in any store. And here we have it in ACE's hardware next to a bunch of propane grills? AMAZING.

Needless to say we bought a bottle, and then slathered it on our Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches from the dollar menu. The sauce is really good, seemed kind of likes a mixture between mad dog inferno and colon blow, maybe around the 80-90k range. Good taste, but just spicy enough to cause real damage if you overdo it. Suffice to say we both significantly overdid it and had to suck down a six pack each to numb the pain. Nothing liking turning a terrible day of home-ownership into a highly efficient dinner/pre-game with the holy grail of hot sauce from the most underrated hot sauce store ever; ACE HARDWARE! #winning

6/9/2011 UPDATE: Since I know PH is dying to hear the conclusion to the riveting TV SAGA.... He'll be glad to hear we finally got it on the wall last night. #edgeofyourseatdrama


  1. good luck finishing up the project. next time you may want to let your roommie put up his own tv, good thing you didn't totally break it! but sounds like it was all worth it with the pick up at Ace's!

  2. Todd, your story was about as interesting as an episode of Bob Vila's "Home Again"