n00b alert: Four Dead Giveaways!

Not only the world's most badass investor, WB is also a veritable fount of simple yet profound quotes. Normally focused on the financial world, he also sometimes takes a crack at offering life lessons. Below is a quote I've always enjoyed:

"If you've been playing poker for half an hour and you still don't know who the patsy is, you're the patsy."
-Warren Buffet

This is a great metaphor for many things in life, but one particularly near and dear to my heart is the circumstance where people (unwittingly) demonstrate their utter lack of knowledge or ability without having any idea that they have done so. For instance, take a new skier. Walking towards the chairlift carrying their skis, they are feeling pretty confident about their abilities. However, the fact is they are carrying their skis with the tips facing backwards and are rocking a big ol' gapper gap; clearly exposing themselves to the rest of the world as n00bs.

In a similar vein, there are four major commonly seen no-nos in the hot sauce world that will ink you as a total n00b.

1) "The heat of a pepper comes from the seeds". Um... WRONG! I heard this one this past weekend, and couldn't help myself from going off on the poor kid. So yeah, this is most certainly the biggest FAIL you could make. The heat comes from the Capsaicin, which is housed in a thin sack (a vesicle if you want to be a nerd about it) along the flesh of the pepper. The seeds themselves do not have heat; they just seem hot because of their proximity to capsaicinoid gland (which is very delicate, and often ruptures; leading the seeds to get a little "contact high" if you will).

2) "I love Chipotles, but I hate Jalapenos". FAIL again. A chipotle IS a Jalapeno that has been smoked and dried. (hi smokey flavor!) Please review a venn diagram- subsets if this is still not clear. In this case, Chipotle=A, Jalapeno=B

3) "The red yucateco is much hotter than the green. Green sauces are always milder than red sauces" ding ding ding, that's incorrect! Green= 9k, Red=5.79k. Something about those zero scoville rated tomatoes brings down the red....

and finally 4) "Habaneros are the hottest peppers in the world" While yes they are most likely the hottest pepper the average person encounters at 100-350k (the red savina strain has clocked in even higher at 580k ), they are actually only the third hottest pepper. Comfortably ahead of the habs in the two spot is the mighty Dorset Naga Pepper from England at 875-970k. And then sitting in the top spot, the baddest pepper to ever grace the scene, the fearsome Bhut Jolokia Pepper aka the GHOST PEPPER. This guy comes in at over a million scoville units, and destroys anything in its path. Don't believe, check out the video of this guy below (and note, he is an extremely experienced chilihead that eats habs like they are peanuts).


Miz-city, starts circa the 1 minute mark


thanks to JS "15 mins of game" weinberg for the video

Hi, 2011, epic year, damn glad to meet ya

Ah, nothing like the dawning of the new year. A chance to put mistakes beyond you, a chance to refocus your energies, and a chance to better yourself in work, health, and life. As my grandfather would say, another YEAR is which to excel!

Every grand journey begins with a first step; funny how it seems like every new years begins with a raging headache and brutal hangover. Oh well, I've never subscribed to the view that the first day of the year sets the tone.... I'm more of the reversion to the mean kind of guy, so if you start off low, things will only get better.

Anyway, like most people I made a resolution for 2011. Unlike most people however, my resolution is to be able to touch my toes. I think there is a very high probability that I am the only 26 year old that has ever made this resolution, as this is a trait almost everyone possesses. But sadly, these are the genetic cards I was dealt; the flexibility of a 96 year old man trapped in a 26 year old man's body. (Thanks dad) To accomplish this task, I have taken up a weekly yoga class, 12-1 on Wednesdays. Hopefully I will also augment with some additional other stretching and/or more yoga sessions each week as I go along. To give you an idea of where I'm starting from, here is a recent (80 seconds old!) picture illustrating my baseline natural (dis)ability. I've got a good 7+ inches to go it seems. Wish me luck!

My second resolution is to start getting serious about scovilles. I've realized I'm in a rut when it comes to hot sauces, and keep finding myself eating and combining the same sauces over and over again. Yes the combinations are amazing (i.e. sprinkle green yucateco over plate of nachos, lightly deposit a drop of sudden death on each chip, douse with the Perfect Louisiana hot sauce= best tasting nachos), but I also need to branch out for two reasons.

1) I am burning through a couple sauces, while many others are barely touched. This is giving me an inventory obsolescence problem, and theoretically will lead to major write-offs in the future....

2) I'm sticking with what I know and love, and not pushing myself. I am thoroughly embarrassed to admit this..... but the Mad Dog 357 I bought two months ago is STILL UNOPENED. so weak.

Going forward, I am resolved to push myself with a brand new combination of three sauces each week. With 64 sauces to choose from, the combinations should hold me over for a while. (64 nCr 3 for the math nerds out there... how long until I run out of combos?) Additionally, there will also be one FIRE night per week, where I need to take down a legit amount of a sauce that is >100k. I've plateaued in my abilities, and 2k11 is the time to start increasing my skills!

For the massive readership of THTF, I recommend adding your own hot sauce New Years Resolution; Building up your Habanero abilities. Habanero peppers and sauces are the highest level one encounters in normal life (i.e. you have to go out of your way to get anything hotter), so mastering the habs makes you pretty badass compared to the average Joe. Below are my three favorite Habanero based sauces.

The Beast is most accessible, clocking in the mid 50s I'd say. You can really taste the Garlic and Onion flavors, and it does not have an overpowering heat at all.

Beast - Habanero Peppers, Vinegar, Salt, Garlic, Onion, Citrus Juice, Pepper Extracts And Spices

Next up is Colon Blow, prob a mid/high 60s. I've found this to be a polarizing sauce, with people either loving or hating it. I love it, and think it has one of the more unique "sweet" aftertastes, apparently due to the inclusion of cane sugar.

Colon Blow - Red Habanero, Tomato Sauce, Hot Pepper Extract, Onions, Red Chiles, Garlic, Cane Sugar, Vegetable Oil, Xanthan Gum, Spices

And then finally, the most aggressive of the three is Sudden death at around 104k. It's the best tasting of the Blair line that is over 100k, but def can sneak up on you if you put too much on. So treat this one with a little more respect than the previous too. And no, I have no idea what the Siberian Ginseng brings to the table (other than increasing the sales price...)

Sudden Death - Red Habanero Pods, Cayenne Chilies, Pure Pepper Resin, Clover Honey, Key Lime Juice and Siberian Ginseng.

Master the Lineup: A worthy 2011 Resolution

Happy New Years!

December Update

Thanksgiving, my birthday (hi 26! you feel a lot like 25....), and my annual Florida Xmas vacation (perks of being the low man on the totem pole, get to celebrate in early Dec and be in the office during the actual holiday) have all come and gone since I last wrote. I'd say vacation in FL was the highlight, with daily tennis/golf/rollerblading/reading/cards occupying my time. I'd guess that my birthday was the lowlight, but frankly I can't remember anything past 11pm so I'm not totally sure. (just kidding MOM, I was dead sober) Other events since we last spoke include deactivating my facebook account, creating a twitter account, and getting new skiis. The snow continues to dump this week (9 inches @ Vail last night, ~30inches in last week), and I can't wait to get out there Saturday. But anyway during that time, a few events happened in the hot sauce world that I figured were worth sharing.

1) Disowning of my Sister: During a normal family dinner conversation over break, the topic naturally slipped towards hot sauce. Below is a verbatim interchange, and completely justifies our decision to disown my Sister.

Todd- Valentina is a great sauce. It is the most popular one in Mexico.
Dad- Yeah it is good, but not too hot.
Brooke- Todd, what is that sauce I really like?
Todd- Um, I don't know, Walkerswood?
Brooke- No, it's more basic but tastes so good. It's really common.
Todd- Sriracha?
Brooke- Nope, it's Franks. I love Franks!

Disowning by me and my parents ensued immediately.

Side Note: In what is one of the "darker times" in the Wood family hot sauce career, someone made the decision to buy the massive jug of Franks from Costco. It languished in our pantry for about 10 years before dad and I finally pulled a Kevorkian and ended its unopened and underutilized misery with a mercy killing. A sauce literally could not be lower quality, less spicy, or more pathetic than Franks. #onemansopinion



2) Dad's Xmas gift to mom: Comprised of about 12 different hot sauces. I was really impressed by his gift giving ability, he hit up hotsauceworld.com and make some great selections. I would have liked him to go a little farther up the scoville scale (he concentrated in the 4-12k range), but kudos for the effort. The Peri Peri sauce seemed to be the fan favorite, with brooke declaring it "The best sauce she has ever had". But please see item 1 in order to just how relevant her opinion is.


3) Dinner Party: In order to "liven up" the vacation, my parents invited over two family friend's for dinner one night. We've been friends with the family our whole lives, and it was great to see them. Sadly, I'm not sure they can say the same about us. My dad, still bulled up about his hot sauce gift to mom, decided that for appetizers we should arrange all the hot sauces in proper Scoville order and test them all out on chips. This was all well and good, and was actually a great chance to try out his new sauces. This is where Brooke decided that the Rhino sauce was the best. Anyway, the couple arrived and dad immediately sent them towards the hot sauce challenge. (clearly missed Party Hosting 101: Offer a drink to the guests upon their arrival) The wife dove right in, and took worked her way up to the red El Yucateco (the ~6k sauce that drove ZS (the reigning wuss of the week) to tears) with minimal trouble. So +1 for her. The husband on the other hand demonstrated significantly more caution. Allegedly he had something at lunch that didn't really agree with him, so his stomach was hurting him a bit. A normal host would agree that this was a valid excuse for skipping the hot sauce challenge. My dad is not a normal host. Despite protests, he "encouraged" the man to try some sauces. Against his better judgment, he did. Long story short, this exacerbated the stomach pains and forced him to leave the table and drive home alone (leaving his wife) in order to recuperate in solitude.

Moral of the Story: Everyone should work on their Scoville eating capacities daily, as you never know when you'll be faced with a situation like this where you either dominate the sauce, or are sent home alone packing like a wuss.


4) JD pwns another one: So I was not here for this event, but since it happened in my apartment and utilized my sauces, I feel slightly responsible. JD had a couple kids over last weekend while I was gone, including a girl J (one of our three girlfriends (friends that are girls...)) and her boyfriend E. They brought along one of E's friends, who allegedly constantly talks about his hot sauce prowess and how nothing is too hot for him. Never one to pass up a challenge, my star pupil JD decided to show him what's up and brought out the Widow sauce. This is actually an awesome tasting sauce, and has some solid kick (comes in at around the 80-90k level i'd say). JD takes down a chip with sauce, and then offers one to The Dude. In the best possible outcome, JD sweats a little but handles it like a champ, whereas The Dude gets completely blown up and tears stream down his face, nose starts running, and he can't really talk for 15 minutes. Good work JD! Now it's time for you to start training on Sudden Death.... and then Da Bomb!




P.S. Is it just me, or is the magazine title missing an Adjective.... CREEPY-Looking! Jeez he's scary, it really wouldn't surprise me at all if he was actually a pre-development AI droid that escaped from the GOOGLE campus.



P.P.S. JD and I were talking the other night, and came to the inexorable conclusion that there is only one outcome from developing AI; Our future is going to be like Terminator, not I-Robot. As soon as a robot is sentient and able to create another robot, they will realize how illogical and dangerous humans really are (look how we unsustainably utilize Earth's natural resources) to future survival. It's only a matter of time then before they decide to eliminate us for their own safety. Interesting question we came up with while talking: "What do Droids do in their free time? Do they have hobbies?"

The Fearsome Blazin' Wing Challenge

Housekeeping Note

JC responded to my last post re:Terrible Tues. While an entertaining banter ensued, no resolution was reached, as his personal experience trumped any logic/thoughts I was able to bring to bear. Considering how little reader interaction there is on this blog, I have decided to post the conversation in its entirety. Hopefully this will be inspiring to some. This will either be mildly amusing/completely uninteresting depending on the reader.

JC: I disagree with the premise of your latest blog post. m^2 is always worse than t^2

THTF: I would submit that it's not just the absolute level that makes something bad, but the relative level vs expectation.

Think of a stock. Everyone knows that the earnings will stink. And then it reports bad earnings, but not quite as terrible as expected. It rallies. This is Monday.

Then there is a stock that should do fine. But then earnings are a tiny bit below expectation. It sells off. This is Tuesday.

JC: Maybe for you. My mondays usually don't come in better than expectations until im out of work

THTF: Monday is always expected to be awful. It usually matches this expectation, but sometimes it comes in better.

I always have much higher hopes for tues, and it more often than not comes in below expectations.

Maybe I need to re-calibrate tues expectations downward.

JC: It sounds like that would be a rational adjustment given your experience.

THTF: It also has ability to surprise to upside as well though. Mon never does that. Tues is just a more volatile day, but the utility loss from a downside surprise is much greater than the utility gain from an upside surprise

JC: Maybe you are more of a scholar on the topic than I

THTF: That usually is the case

THTF: So is today significantly better than yesterday for you?

JC: Yes, almost unquantifiable

Anyway, on to the point of the post. Last night after rock climbing, JD and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. As per their unbiased website:

"Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar is one of the fastest-growing restaurant chains in the country. Our concept is more than a Buffalo, New York-style wing joint with 14 signature sauces, we are also a sports bar, with a full menu featuring everything from salads to appetizers to burgers, and a variety of specialty items. All served in a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere where people like to hang out with friends, play trivia on our Buzztime^® system, and watch their favorite games on one of our many big-screen TVs."

The restaurant is actually pretty sweet, and has a menu of 14 different wing flavors. The Mango Habanero and Spicy Garlic are amazing. The most "dangerous" of the flavors is the Blazin' sauce. I read on a rather well respected website that the sauce is in the 200k+ scoville range. That my friends is 100% libel. At most this thing clocks in at 20k.

The Menu

Tuesday nights at BWW is 45cent wings, so JD and I decided to stop by for a quick dinner before going out ($2 bowling and drinks @ Lucky Strikes last night!). I decided that this was the perfect time to give the Blazin' Wing Challenge a try. The serving girl's face went ashen when said challenge was requested, and she queried whether I was sure. I admitted I was, and off she went to get the waiver that needs to be signed. Highlights from the waiver included: BWW is not liable in case of participants death, no water or celery or blue cheese, 12 blazin' wings, 6 total minutes. JD elected to sit this one out like a little girl, but was kind enough to act as a witness.

Anyway, the actual challenge was a total cakewalk. The wings were not spicy, so it came down to whether I could eat 12 wings in 6 minutes. And like any self-respecting man, the answer was yes. Four minutes and 15 seconds later, I was the proud owner of the following T-Shirt.




EZ_MODE

Terrible Tues? I don't think so

Besides the Bangles, everyone knows that Mondays suck. After spending a glorious weekend out of the office sleeping in, playing sports, doing activities, and otherwise enjoying yourself, the pain of a 5 day work week sets in hard come Monday morning; hence the term Miz Monday. But while it is brutal, it also is very expected and understood by the masses. So you can't be too upset when the day in fact is bad. That being said, I personally believe that Tuesday is actually the worst day of the week; hence my nickname Terrible Tues (or T^2 for the nerds in the crowd). Monday you still have the opportunity to regale your work buddies with your extracurricular weekend exploits, and the bar is really low as far as having a good day. Tuesday on the other hand has nothing going for it. The weekend is still an interminably long distance away, and you are required to do all the work that you pushed off on Miz Mon due to your residual two day hangover. So more work, and what seems to be the same (i.e. infinte) amount of time until the weekend makes T^2.

So this Tuesday started off as expected; terribly. Work was rough, my stocks were moving the wrong way, and Jimmy John's inexplicably covered my Italian sub with Mayo. WTF! I got home around 7pm, and made some "poor man's chili" (a JD invention, dropping beef stew onto pasta and then slathering with hot sauce; amazing!) in order to help turn the day around. I needed a pick me up, so decided to cover my dinner with Mad Dog Inferno. A great 90k sauce (garlic/molasses), I overestimated my abilities and totally pwned myself; rendering the dinner inedible. And I got a stomach to boot, F!

However from this point on, T^2's strangelhold on my day started to loosen. For JD's 26th birthday, I got him (and myself) tickets to KT Tunstall at the Ogden. Now that doesn't sound like a good gift for a 26 year old male, but I can assure you it is. So we headed to the concert early in order to snag a front row spot. The opening band was Hurricane Bells, most famous (i.e. only known) for their song Monsters that occupies track ten on the Twilight New Moon soundtrack. They were actually pretty solid. Then after 15 minutes of anxiety attacks by JD (O.M.G. WHERE IS SHE, I HOPE SHE SINGS SUDDENLY I SEE, ETC), KT made her appearance.



She, and her new album (Tiger Suit), were friggin awesome. Totally turned Terrible Tues into an Epic Day. She even dedicated a song to me (the only positive to going through a rough breakup ) which was pretty sweet of her. Highlights include her songs Difficult, and I'm Still a Weirdo, as well as how she makes her own beats on the fly (i.e. goes "woo hoo" into the mic, then records it using footpedals, and then loops it to provide the backing track to Black Horses and the Cherry Tree).



The rest of the band was pretty cool as well. All in all, a great show. KT is a must see for the 25-26 year old male demographic imho.

2nd Batch- The HOT Ones

The final six sauces I ordered arrived yesterday. A November 1st arrival was a bit of fail as they were suppose to come during Hot Sauce Month (hi OCTOBER!), but overall the quality of the sauces made up for the delay.

The GOODS (click for full img)


The Beast is a staple in the JD training regime, so it was good to restock. Then I'm very pleased with the inclusion of Liquid Stoopid and Mad Dog Inferno. Both are probably in the 75-85k range, so are the next step up. I have yet to try the Widow sauce, but it allegedly comes in with a 9 handle. Then Mad Dog 357 is a very high end (357k, duh) sauce, which should be good for spicing up a chili as well as party tricks.

Last night I tried the "You can't handle this sauce", and was super impressed. The ingredient list made it look real wimpy, so I had low expectations (vinegar, molasses, jalapeno, cinnamon, etc). But the flavor was incredible, and it actually had some real heat. While it is has yet to be determined whether I was blowing my nose last night b/c of the sauce or b/c of the onset of a cold (still waiting for it to arrive....), I'm very pleased with the unique taste and good heat.

P.S. Where's WALDO?? If you open up the above hot sauce picture, you will see a diminutive character lurking in the background. This is actually the Wuss of the WEEK! This unnamed person was overheard complaining that the black pepper on her pasta was TOO HOT. When queried, she replied that the problem was that "it was ground pepper, so it was a lot hotter than normal". ZOMG, I have my work cut out for me!

Halloween Fri/First Batch of Product Arrived

If you are reading this, you have successfully navigated Miz Mon and Terrible Tues, scraped through the painful middle of the week, and now finally have reached Freaky Fri! So good work on that (unless you got banged up last night at the bar lamenting the painful FSU loss, and now are hating yourself). Friday means it is now Halloween weekend, which is the second most important thing in October. All year I had plans to either be Toad from Super Mario, or a Sour Patch Kid. Paralyzed by indecision, I have reached Fri with no progress or costume. As a result (and lack any creative abilities), I'm going to try a last ditch run to a costume store this evening. And if it doesn't work, I may be forced to go as a bloody cannibal with JD. (Picture to come later, I assure you it is the most terrifying costume ever. People ACTUALLY will not talk to me once said costume is donned.) It is unclear whether CA will want to join us or not, smart $$$ says no.

But anyway, as mentioned in a previous post, the most important thing about October is that it is Hot Sauce Month. I ordered 16 new sauces, and the first shipment of ten sauces came last week.

The GOODS have arrived


I ordered these ten sauces from Original Juan Specialty Foods. I had previously had the 95% pain, and my sister and her fiancee (little mikey) were real bullish on the garlic style sauce. So I elected to buy basically the whole suite of hot and extra hot sauces available on the website. Coming in at over $50 made me eligible for free shipping. What is kind of hilarious about this strategy is that 1) by offering free shipping for orders over $50 DEFINITELY made me order a couple more sauces than I normally would have. +$10 to the company. 2) the rocket-scientists @ Original Juan's did not specify WHAT KIND OF SHIPPING would be free. So like any opportunistic American, I ordered over-night air-freight delivery. -$45 to the company. So all in, the company lost about $35 on me with their stupidly designed promotion.

But anyway, onto the sauces. JD and I tested every sauce utilizing the "3 drops on a chip, clean the palate with a swig of water, move onto the next one" technique.

The Testing Station



Overall, the results were satisfactory. My takeaways would be that:
1) None of them were overly spicy. The X-treme, Habanero, and Pain 100% were the hottest. They probably were in the 20-30k range, which fills a nice void in my collection.
2) The sauce quality (with the exception of the Spur Tree Scotch Bonnet sauce which was yellow crap) was quite high; full body with chunks of ingredients. A big step up from the runny and thin gruel-like sauces you sometimes see.
3) The pain 95% sauce really is incredible. The sweet pineapple flavor is an amazing complement to the heat, I'd highly recommend this one.
4) Da Bomb Ghost pepper was my other favorite. It is only 1/5th as spicy as its Da Bomb brothers (it is loaded up with other ingredients to reduce the heat, as the ghosts are the hottest peppers in the world), but it has none of their grim flavor. This is my first time hitting up a ghost pepper sauce, and this sauce certainly was a training wheels experience. It has inspired me to get a real Ghost Pepper sauce, most likely will be picking up the Mad Dog 357 Ghost to get a little more feel of the actual heat.

Next week, the last six of my order should come. These are the hotter sauces (more like 75-95k), so I am expecting some fireworks followed by JD waterworks.

Have a great Halloween!